Enough

If you say no reaction is necessary, you should fucking mean it.  Don't say it when you so obviously want a rather specific reaction.  It's the same thing again, isn't it?  Unhappiness or boredom, or who fucking knows what?  I just don't think I'm running down the rabbit hole with you again.  You want me to feel the same, but I am done with these feelings.  They are seriously doing no good for anyone.  It's all bullshit anyway.  One minute I'm the most wonderful, inspiring thing since sliced bread; the next I need to just go away.  Hey, whatever.  Enjoy the silence.

Frustrating

There is a utto that is not working o my keyoard.  Okay, there's two.  I'm sure you ca tell from these few seteces which uttos they are. I ca right click ad fix most of it.  It's ot my oly keyoard.  It's just that this oe is wireless ad I do't wat to drag a chair i so I ca type properly.

I'm also frustrated creatively.  I see the ideas, and I just can't seem to get them out.  It makes me feel like my brain is broken. I just want them out!  I want to be able to pay someone to get them out for me.  Now I have to move to the floor so I can use my wired keyboard.  Those sentences were driving me mad.  I may have an opportunity to do something with the writing, and every time this happens my brain seizes up on me.  It's like I don't think I'm as good at this as others do and I don't want to be proven right.  I just want to enjoy working, enjoy what I do to live.  It doesn't seem like a lot to ask.

There are so many doing what I want to do for a living, and doing it poorly.  What's one more hack, right?  I don't think I'm a hack I guess, but I do know I'm not Hemingway.  I just want the chance to do something wonderful and get paid for it.  To be able to support my children while doing something that doesn't make me want to take a long walk into the desert.  Seriously, it's not that much to ask, is it?  I have so many stories I want to tell.  Focusing on one is almost impossible.  It would be much better with a writing partner.  I may be getting one.  We'll see.  It certainly would help.  I know many feel that writing is a solo endeavor.  There may be projects I want to do by myself, but I have always worked better with someone to bounce stuff off of.  At least by doing this word vomit through the blog I can at least get something out.

Thanks for listening.

You Offend Me. Well, maybe not you...

I am, quite literally, offended at the idea of a person who simply CANNOT get through the day with out the help of "The Lord".  I see this all the time.  "I need you with me Lord.  Every second of every day, in every decision, every thought, etc."  How fucking weak are you?  You have made Jesus your antidepressant.  Why can't people stand on their own two feet and make their way through the world?  

Life can be hard, but it's not difficult.  You make decisions and you move on.  Are there consequences?  Fucking deal with them!  It ain't pretty and it ain't perfect.  So the fuck what?  Take responsibility for yourselves.  God didn't do that, you did.  When you accomplish something, take the credit for your hard work.  Don't let it go to your head, but feel proud of what you've done.  Conversely, when you fail, own up to it.  Don't write it off as "part of God's plan".  If it's god's plan and therefore not your fault, how could you possibly learn from the experience?  Life is about learning.  If you've nothing left to learn, what's the damn point?  

Unfortunately, ignorance and complacency are at the heart of religion.  You are actively discouraged from looking beyond archaic notions.  They are stifling humanity.  Actively.  And yet, there are literally millions lapping this shit up with a spoon. Use your mind people.  Accept evidence.  Learn something everyday.  Question everything, before it's too late.

Rough one

I guess I just didn't realize how depressing a week without my sons would really be.  If I was working it might have been easier.  Feeling quite rudderless this week.  However, I have 4 and a half days left to accomplish enough to make me feel like I used the time somewhat wisely.  So here goes...

Best laid plans...

Remember when I said I'd be updating this a lot more often?  HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAAA!


Yeah, so do I.

Taint been around (probably 'cause it's in between)

Life's a funny, fickle thing.  I try hard to do the best I can.  Some people though, they can't even be bothered with half an effort.  It's tiring.  It's damned frustrating.  I really get quite sick of pushing and trying and struggling and watching others just float through not giving a shit about anything or anyone.  Maybe I care too much?  Maybe I'm just too tired?  Maybe the recurring questions technique is outdated and cliched?  Who knows anymore?  Not me, that's for sure.  Just once in life I'd like to get back as much as I give.

Then it occurs to me just how much wonderment, pleasure and love I experience just by being around my kids.  Then I get the fuck over all the whining and realize what's important.

hmmm...

It's been suggested to me that I should write a book about being a single Dad.  Admittedly it's an appealing idea.  However, I would have to face my near crippling doubts about myself and open up about the fact that while I act with complete confidence I constantly question if I'm doing everything (or anything) right.  Of course, I think any parent that cares is probably going through the same shit.  So maybe I will start to blog about my daily Dad adventures.  Perhaps this could lead somewhere.  May even be cathartic, who knows?

Wherefore art thou sleep?

Wow, where did this night go?  Where the hell did this day go?  They just keep slipping through my fingers.  One of these days I'm going to run out of days and I think maybe I should be spending them a bit more wisely.  I've been thinking a lot lately about missed opportunities.  I realize I can do a lot more than I do.  I am going to try.  I don't have any regrets mind you (well, two that I can think of, but they're both women and not who you think) regrets are foolish and weak.  Regrets are a waste because it's time and energy spent on things you CANNOT change.  My ex-wife was and is big on obsessing over shit from her past.  One of the many ways in which she completely lost my respect.  Forget the past and move on.  Actually, don't forget.  Learn from your past.  Let it go.  Then move on.  Seriously, if people can't stop acting like shit from years ago is still happening, I may have to slap somebody.

No title, just words and a tune...

As the WHO said, it's hard.  It's very, very, very, very hard.

I don't know how I manage not to punch people in the face sometimes.  When you are dealing with folk who have no idea what it means to get punched in the face for the shit spewing from their mouth, you kind of end up wanting to educate them.  With a haymaker.  My problem is that our society has let go of decorum, decency, respect and the ability to take people to task for it.  When you might have to be in a duel to the death, or at least a fist fight, over the things you say then you might think before you open your mouth.  Nowadays, you can be a complete and utter asshole and if you get punched in the mouth over it, you can have the other guy arrested and then sue him.  WHAT THE FUCK!?!

If I've learned anything in the last ten to fifteen years, it's that there are a LOT of people in this world who need a good punch in the mouth.  I'd love to give it to them, but I have my kids to think of.  Who's going to take care of them if I'm in jail and then financial ruin?

What does God do for you?  I don't mean that literally.  How could I?  I mean, what does your belief in God do for you?  I have moments where I wish I still believed, but honestly I'm much more comforted by the fact that I don't.  I feel I'm more prepared for what is coming at the end.  Not having some fancy story about the afterlife makes it the last great adventure.  I may never get to travel to other planets.  It's almost 100% certain.  However, I will someday die. In that moment, the greatest mystery that has ever faced Man will be known to me: What does come after death?

I don't want to die.  I love life.  I want to see my children grow and dream and achieve.  I want to meet my grandchildren.  I want to know that the people I love are going to be happy.  That they will find people to love.  However I also want to see where my energy goes when my body stops.  Not "see" with eyes obviously, but I do hope that I will be aware of my physical passing.  That I will be aware of what happens afterward in a way at least slightly similar to how I am aware of everyday life.  I know it's coming, and I hope it's quite a ways off, but I am absolutely fascinated.  Admittedly, I am a bit afraid, but that fear mostly seems to increase my fascination.  I want to know.  I don't want to believe.  I want to know.

Flurgh...
Sometimes that's all I have to say. I cannot begin to fathom what goes through some people's minds. It's like they build up a version of the world in their heads just so they can face the day. Well stop being such a puss! Shit happens, you're not perfect, and neither is anyone else! Life happens, get the fuck over it and MOVE ON!!

You know what makes it worse? When they are parents. Parents should not be under the impression that they have the fucking luxury to delude themselves. They are responsible for preparing a person to deal with life. So set the example and learn to deal morons!

Thank you for your time. This rant has been brought to you by Stoltey's Bull Semen. The most potent Bull Semen on the market!

So now that I am going to be contributing on an (at least) weekly basis to the xombiewoof online magazine, I have to keep my writing muscles in shape. Or get them in shape. I guess that distinction is up to the audience.

I have a lot on my mind and sometimes it's difficult to focus on what actually HAS to get done. When that happens I think I'll pop over here and work out my mental bullshit. I may even do some more of the weird little writing exercises I have done previously on this old blog. We'll see.