Steps forward and steps back. So many ways to take that, so many directions at once. Not even sure all the steps are only forward or back, but still taking steps. Gotta keep trying to move forward no matter what. That is what life is about.

Positive news. The cancer was removed and should be all gone. The boy is back on track at school and doing okay at home.

BUT I had to postpone student teaching semester for now. Still crawling, graduation might be further off than I thought regardless of that class being pushed back or not.

Keep pushing, keep pushing. Was this really the week to start a juicing reboot?  HAHAHAHAHA

Wow.

What a year or so...

I don't even know where to begin honestly.

There have been some highs: finishing my first two semesters at Penn State, finally obtaining primary custody of my son, my wife's career

There have been some lows: what that custody has meant to the rest of my family and the struggles inherent in it, and my wife's cancer

Yeah. Cancer. What the fuck.

Enough

If you say no reaction is necessary, you should fucking mean it.  Don't say it when you so obviously want a rather specific reaction.  It's the same thing again, isn't it?  Unhappiness or boredom, or who fucking knows what?  I just don't think I'm running down the rabbit hole with you again.  You want me to feel the same, but I am done with these feelings.  They are seriously doing no good for anyone.  It's all bullshit anyway.  One minute I'm the most wonderful, inspiring thing since sliced bread; the next I need to just go away.  Hey, whatever.  Enjoy the silence.

Frustrating

There is a utto that is not working o my keyoard.  Okay, there's two.  I'm sure you ca tell from these few seteces which uttos they are. I ca right click ad fix most of it.  It's ot my oly keyoard.  It's just that this oe is wireless ad I do't wat to drag a chair i so I ca type properly.

I'm also frustrated creatively.  I see the ideas, and I just can't seem to get them out.  It makes me feel like my brain is broken. I just want them out!  I want to be able to pay someone to get them out for me.  Now I have to move to the floor so I can use my wired keyboard.  Those sentences were driving me mad.  I may have an opportunity to do something with the writing, and every time this happens my brain seizes up on me.  It's like I don't think I'm as good at this as others do and I don't want to be proven right.  I just want to enjoy working, enjoy what I do to live.  It doesn't seem like a lot to ask.

There are so many doing what I want to do for a living, and doing it poorly.  What's one more hack, right?  I don't think I'm a hack I guess, but I do know I'm not Hemingway.  I just want the chance to do something wonderful and get paid for it.  To be able to support my children while doing something that doesn't make me want to take a long walk into the desert.  Seriously, it's not that much to ask, is it?  I have so many stories I want to tell.  Focusing on one is almost impossible.  It would be much better with a writing partner.  I may be getting one.  We'll see.  It certainly would help.  I know many feel that writing is a solo endeavor.  There may be projects I want to do by myself, but I have always worked better with someone to bounce stuff off of.  At least by doing this word vomit through the blog I can at least get something out.

Thanks for listening.

You Offend Me. Well, maybe not you...

I am, quite literally, offended at the idea of a person who simply CANNOT get through the day with out the help of "The Lord".  I see this all the time.  "I need you with me Lord.  Every second of every day, in every decision, every thought, etc."  How fucking weak are you?  You have made Jesus your antidepressant.  Why can't people stand on their own two feet and make their way through the world?  

Life can be hard, but it's not difficult.  You make decisions and you move on.  Are there consequences?  Fucking deal with them!  It ain't pretty and it ain't perfect.  So the fuck what?  Take responsibility for yourselves.  God didn't do that, you did.  When you accomplish something, take the credit for your hard work.  Don't let it go to your head, but feel proud of what you've done.  Conversely, when you fail, own up to it.  Don't write it off as "part of God's plan".  If it's god's plan and therefore not your fault, how could you possibly learn from the experience?  Life is about learning.  If you've nothing left to learn, what's the damn point?  

Unfortunately, ignorance and complacency are at the heart of religion.  You are actively discouraged from looking beyond archaic notions.  They are stifling humanity.  Actively.  And yet, there are literally millions lapping this shit up with a spoon. Use your mind people.  Accept evidence.  Learn something everyday.  Question everything, before it's too late.

Rough one

I guess I just didn't realize how depressing a week without my sons would really be.  If I was working it might have been easier.  Feeling quite rudderless this week.  However, I have 4 and a half days left to accomplish enough to make me feel like I used the time somewhat wisely.  So here goes...

Best laid plans...

Remember when I said I'd be updating this a lot more often?  HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAAA!


Yeah, so do I.